Plying Ginny!
by iNiGmA
Summary: [FINISHED] Harry, Ron, Herm, and Ginny are waiting for book five to come out, but it's taking forever! So, they finally decide to pass the time...in interesting ways. I dunno WHY I wrote this! Not a fifth year fic... It's funny! lol rr!


Author's note:   (READ IT!!!!!)

Hey  guys.  This is the most confusing and weirdest fanfic I've ever written.  I dunno what the hell possessed me to write it, or why I'm even posting it, as it's sick and strange.  Ok, if this fic confuses you, then I'm hoping you'll just figure it out.  I know I've made it confusing.  What you basically need to know is that the word 'PLY' pretty much means: fuck, sex, and anything of that sort.  Now, if you ignored this author's note, and you are reading it after you read the fic, you can now see why I wanted you to read it.  Anyway, please review and be nice!

**Disclaimer:****  I don't own HP, tho I own the plot.  Kinda  wish I didn't, as it scares me!!  Lol!!**

I'm dedicating this to the Shakespeare club, as that is where I got the idea to use the word 'ply' as I am using it in this story. Thank you, Shakespeare ppl!  Lol.  And now, on with the fic!

Plying Ginny!

By: iNiGmA 

Ginny, Harry and Ron were sitting in Harry's room.  The Fourth Book had ended and the Fifth Book hadn't yet started, so they had nothing to do.

            The Dursleys had gone away for a while, and Harry was left alone.  He had of course invited his friends.  Now, there were only a few days left before book five came out, and the Harry Potter characters would have something to do.

            They were sitting in silence.  Harry was staring at the ceiling, while lying on his bed.  Ginny suddenly spoke.

"This sucks!" she announced.

"What does?" Harry asked, without shifting his gaze.

"NONE of the good fanfics have been updated!" Ginny raged.  "How _wonderful_!  What good is this freaking wait if I can't even read about us making fools of ourselves??  I don't want to read some trash about Snape's love life, or about Ron doing Neville!"

"W-W-WHAT???" Ron stuttered.  "They….WHAT???  How dare they??  Screw them!  Which _idiot_ wrote that??"

Harry and Ginny started laughing.  Ron scowled at them.  "Hey, Ginny," he called, "Why don't you show Harry some of the stuff about him?  I heard there's a good 'Harry has sex with Snape' fic out there!"

That shut Harry up.

"One: NOT POSSIBLE!" he yelled in disgust.  " Two:  EWWW! And Three:  That's sooner be you!"

"EEEWWWWWWWWW!" Ron cried.

"You sound like a girl!" Harry laughed.

"Oh, so that's a bad thing?" Ginny cut in, scowling, as she turned away from the computer and stood up.  "Ooh, how I wish Hermione was here to slap you!"

"Well, she's not!  She's busy!"  Harry said, grinning.

"Yea, yea, don't we all know it?" Ginny muttered in anger.  She sat back down in her chair and turned back to the computer.  "Whatever, doesn't matter.  She should be here soon enough, and she'll bitch-slap you then."

"I suggest you run, Harry," Ron suggested.  "'Member Malfoy?  She gave him a black-and-blue, didn't she?"

"Not sure, but I think so," Harry groaned.

"Oh, don't worry, Harry.  Hermione loves you!  She wouldn't hit you."

"No, she doesn't!" Ginny called, her eyes glued to the screen.  Harry and Ron ignored her.

"No…she loves _you_!" Harry muttered.

"Shut-up!"

"What?  She does!"

"Shut-it, Harry.  I'm warning you…."

"Go ply yourselves, both of you!"  Ginny snapped.  "I'm trying to read!"

"What the hell's a 'ply'?" Harry asked, confused.

"Something from Shakespeare, I think.  She reads Shakespeare." Ron muttered absentmindedly.

"Ron!"  Harry cried.

"What?"

"You're not supposed to know who or what Shakespeare is!"

"Why not?" Ron asked, confused.

"You're a wizard-born, you bloody idiot!  You've never heard of Shakespeare."

"Oh, yeah!  Shit!  Harry, quick, tell me what Shakespeare is!"

"Why?  You already know."

"Yes," said Ron impatiently.  "but the readers need to know how I know!"

"What readers?"

"Of this fic!  Now who's the idiot?"

"You are.  I'm much to lazy to explain something you already know to you." Harry stated.  "And the readers already know you know, and you know you know, and no one gives a crap _how_ you know, so deal with it!"

"Ply you," Ron muttered.

"You don't even know what 'ply' means!"

"_So?_  Do _you_?" Ron asked.

"Ply off."         

"Is that a yes?" asked Ron.

"Yes, no, maybe so!" Harry said in a sing-song voice.  "Is it my fault the author of this fic enjoys tormenting us?"

"Yes, it is."

"In what way?" Harry wondered.

"Easy.  If there was no you, there'd be no fanfics."

"Come again?" 

"No you equals no fics." Ron said.

"_What?_"

"Hey, idiot!" Ron said.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing.  Just getting proof that you're an idiot, that's all."

"Ply you!"

"Ply you all!  I'm trying to read!" Ginny cried.

"Sooooooo?" Ron wheedled.  "You said there's nothing good there."

"_So?_" Ginny retorted. "I'd rather read about Snape plying a pig then stare at your face _any _day!"

"Come _on_, Ginny." Harry said.  "Aren't you tired of staring at that computer all day?  Too much staring at the screen can ruin your eyes, you know.  And your eyes are _much_ too pretty to ruin!"

"Oh, Harry!  How sweet!" Ginny cried, turning around.  "Did you really mean that?"

"Well, actually, I just wanted the computer.  You know, lots of naked girls to look at on there."

"You bastard!" Ginny cried, slapping him.

"Er, just kidding!" Harry cried.  "You're beautiful!"

"Oh, Harry!" Ginny cried again.  Then, she added.  "You BETTER be kidding!"

"I am, I am!" Harry cried.  "You're sexy, Ginny!"

"Ooooh!" Ginny cried, flushing.  "Would this be a good time to tell you that I've had a crush on you ever since I first saw you?"  She asked, her eyes glowing.

"I assume so." Harry muttered.  "Would this be a good time to tell you that when I saw you body in the chamber, I was afraid you were dead, and I'd never see you smile again?  That I never even realized I was in love with you till I realized I could lose you?"

"Oh, yes!  A _wonderful_ time!" Ginny cried giddily.

"Ok, cool." Harry said.  All three of them were silent for a moment.  Finally, Harry spoke.

"Wanna ply me?"

"Hell yeah!" Ginny cried.  Harry grabbed her hand and began to pull her out the door and to the Dursley's master bedroom.  As he ran, he called:

"Any idea what 'ply' means?"

"Actually, no….wanna ply me anyway?"

"Oh, yeah, baby!" Harry cried, and they ran out of the room, slamming the door.

"Stupid, sick, love-birds," Ron muttered.

"SHUT-UP, RON!" they both screamed.

"Oh, go ply yourselves, both of you!" he called back.

"We intend to!" Harry responded.

"EEEEW!" Ron cried.  "You're **sick**, Harry!"

"So are you, but you don't hear me complaining!" Harry called back.  Then, Ron heard Ginny's voice.

"Forget him, daaaaaaaaarliiing!  You're got _me_!"

Ron shuddered and turned away.  He walked out of the room, and downstairs, to the living room.

"Stupid Harry!" he muttered angrily.  "Stupid Ginny!  "Stupid fanfic!  Whoever wrote this crap is a plying idiot and deserves to die!  Ply the author of this fic!!  PLY THEM!!"

            Suddenly, a very bright light appeared in the room.

"Wha-?" Ron cried, stumbling back.  The light dissolved, and a girl of about his age was floating in the air above him.  She had an unreadable expression on her face, which was surrounded by shoulder-length blondish hair.  She was staring evilly at him with her piercing gray eyes.  The girl was wearing tight blue, low-cut, jeans, and a black tank top.  She scowled at Ron when he looked at her.

"Who are you??" Ron cried.

"I?  I am the author of this fanfic!" she said.

"Oh, crap!" Ron cried.  Her smile grew wider.

"'Oh, crap' is right!" she laughed.  "Call me Lily Potter.  Or Lily Radcliffe, if you prefer."

"Your name's not 'Lily Potter'!" Ron cried.  

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" she thundered.  "IT'S _MY_ FANFIC!  MY NAME IS WHATEVER _I_ SAY IT IS!"  She calmed down, and added.  "So, I guess you prefer 'Lily Radcliffe' then?"

"Er, ok." Ron said meekly.  "Just don't yell.  I'm not in the mood to die from a being-yelled-at induced heart-attack, you know?"

She ignored him.  "Now, did I just hear you call me a _fucking idiot?_"

"Hey, you're supposed to say 'ply'!" Ron cried.

"No, no, no!  _You're _supposed to say 'ply'!  Like I said: it's _my_ fic.  _I_ can say whatever I want!"

"Ok!  Say what you want to say.  You can't blame me anyway!  Like you said, it's _your_ fic.  You _made_ me call you a plying idiot!"

"Don't blame this on me, you bastard!  You don't want to see me when I'm mad!"

"I'll take your word for it," Ron muttered.

"That's it!" she cried.  "One more smart-ass remark, and you're gone!  Now apologize!"

"For…_what?_" Ron asked.

"Don't play stupid with me!  I have the power to do _anything_ I want to you!"

"Yeah…sure…" Ron muttered.

"Oh, you want proof, is that it?"

She clapped her hands twice and Ron's pants suddenly slid down to his ankles.

"Ahhhhhhh!" Ron screamed.  He grabbed them and pulled them back up.

"Would you like your cute little Pokemon boxers to do the same?"  She asked, giggling. 

"HELL NO!" Ron cried.  "You Son of a Bitch!"

She gasped.

"How dare you?  That's it!  You're gone!"

Ron clutched at his pants for fear, but there was no reason to.  A huge shadow suddenly blocked all the light around him.  It began to descend.

With a scream, Ron jumped aside.  The thing landed on the floor with a loud click and began jumping after him, making a tremendous clicking sound every time it landed on the floor, trying to jump on Ron.

"What is that thing?!"  He yelled, turning sharply to the right to avoid being crushed.

"That?  That's the 'Delete' button." She said, smiling at him evilly.  She was now sprawled out on a couch that was floating in mid-air, sipping lemonade.  "Hmn," she muttered, as she glanced at the glass.  "Needs more ice."

"Get _it_ away!" Ron cried desperately.  She ignored him.

"You know what, Ronnie?  I was just gonna have you ply Hermione too…"

"_Really?_" he cried,  "Oh, shit!" He added, jumping to right and saving his foot by inches.  "Then what are you doing???"

"Oh, nothing, really." She smirked.  "Just deleting you from the story, that's all…"

"_Why?_" he cried, jumping under a chair.  "Please don't!  I wanna ply Hermione!"

The delete button stamped on the chair and it was gone.  Ron rolled away with a frightened yell.

"Too bad." She smirked. "Oops," she muttered.  "Didn't mean to get rid of any furniture."  She restored the chair with a clap of her hand.

"Oh, but you want to get rid of _me?_"

"Hmn," she said, sarcastically.  "Perhaps you didn't notice there's a deleting button chasing you?  I'd say that's a pretty clear sign I wanna get rid of you, wouldn't you?"

"Oh, yeah?  How would you like a deleting button chasing _you?_" Ron growled.

She shrugged.  "I wouldn't."

"Well, do you think _I _like it?"

"Oh, I _know_ you don't.  Otherwise, it wouldn't be chasing you."

"Ok then, I love the button!  The button is sexy!  Kiss me, button!"

"Nice try," she muttered.  She clapped her hands yet again, and suddenly, Ron found himself frozen.  "Bad-bye, Ron." And the button clamped on top of him, causing him to disappear.

"Well, that's that." She muttered.  "I guess my work here is done.  Time to go torture more characters, I suppose." And with that, she disappeared.

~*~

"I love you, Harry!" Ginny mumbled as she kissed him.

"Love you too, Gin."

"Love you more!"

"You so do _not!_" Harry cried.  Ginny laughed.

"I so do _so!_"

"Ok, enough," Harry said.

"What, you don't love me anymore?" Ginny pouted.

"Of course I love you, Gin.  I'm just hungry," said Harry stupidly.

"Oh, so you'd choose food over me??"

"Um," Harry thought for a second.  "Yeah, pretty much."

"You bastard!" Ginny yelled in his face, slapping him yet again.

"Come on, Ginny.  I was only joking, I swear!"

"Ok, I believe you," Ginny said, bending down to kiss him again.  "But only because you're a Hot Sexy God."

"Well, what have we here?"

Harry and Ginny jumped about fifty feet into the air, to see Hermione standing in the doorway.

"Oh, Hermione!  You gave me such a fright!" Ginny cried.  "How did you get here??"

"Dunno." Hermione shrugged.  "Where's Ron?"

"Oh, we left him in my room when we went to…er…" Harry muttered, blushing.  Hermione peered at him.

"Yes?  Went to…_what?_"

"Never mind that!" Ginny cut in quickly.  "Go look for Ron!"

Hermione glanced at them suspiciously, and then proceeded to Harry's room.  He didn't ask her how she knew the way.  She returned only minutes later.

"He's not there."

"Try downstairs then," Harry suggested.

Hermione disappeared down the staircase, leaving Ginny and Harry alone.

"So, what shall we do?" Harry asked.

"Ply?" Ginny suggested.

"Sure!" Harry grinned.

~*~

Hermione walked cautiously down the stairs.  She looked around, but so no one.

"Ron?" she called.

No answer.

"Ron!"

Once again, the house remained silent.

"Where the hell is he?" she muttered, angrily.

Suddenly, a bright light appeared.  She saw the girl hovering above her.

"Who are you??" Hermione cried.

"Who me?  I'm the author of this fic, yadda yadda yadda, call me Lily, yadda yadda yadda, anyways, you wanna know where Ron is, right?"

"Yes…" Hermione said, trying to absorb all this new information.

"Well, I killed him."

"_Killed him?_" Hermione gasped.

"Well not exactly _killed_.  I just erased him from the story."

"Why?"

"'Cause he was being an ass to me."

"But if you're the one who wrote the story, aren't you the one who controls what Ron does and says, and if Ron was being an ass to you, isn't that 'cause you made him be one by writing it that way?  Aren't you controlling what I say now?" Hermione asked reasonably.

"Smart one, aren't you?"

"Yep."

"Don't talk back to me like that."

"Then stop making me."

The girl sighed.  "Well, yes.  As a matter of fact, I _am_ in charge of everything that happens around here.  But, I can't have smart ones like you figuring it out, right?"

"But you _made_ me figure it out!" Hermione cried defensively.

"Yeah, I did," she shrugged.  "So?  What's your point?  Stop being such a smart-ass, Herm."

"I'm not!"

"Would you like me to make you one?" the girl asked silkily.  "That's it.  You're joining Ron.  Sorry, Hermie."

The audience prepared for another "Delete Button" scene, but the girl merely clapped her hands and Hermione disappeared.

"Crap!" the girl cried angrily.  "Hermie is like one of my fave characters!  And now she made me get rid of her!  Life is soooo unfair!"

'_But you_ wanted _to get rid of her!'_ a voice in the back of her head informed her.

"Screw you." The girl muttered to the other voice.  "This is _my_ fic, in which I can manipulate anyone I want."

She clapped her hands and vanished.

~*~

Harry put on a new t-shirt and combed his hair back with gel.  He waited until Ginny came out of the bathroom.

"Harry!" she cried when she saw him.  "You actually put gel in your hair!"

"Erm, yeah."  Harry muttered, blushing a dark scarlet.  "Is it too — you know — Snape-like?"

Ginny laughed.  Finally, she said:

"That depends…does Snape look like a vampire?"

"Actually, he most resembles a piece of trash, but I don't doubt he is one." He chocked out, through laughs.

They both started laughing even harder.

"Nice dress, Gin," Harry said when he finally calmed down.

"Why, thank-you, Harry.  I stole of from Hermione's trunk."

"Ginny, the bad girl." Harry grinned.  "Very sexy.  Rrrrrrrr."

"Glad you think so," Ginny smiled.  "You're not half bad yourself, you know.  So, where are we going?"

"We," Harry stated, "are going for dinner and a movie."

"Yes, but _where_ are we going?" Ginny asked.

"Why, that's very simple." Harry replied, grinning.  "We're going to dinner in the kitchen, and moving on to a movie in the living room!"

"We're we'd be all alone in the house…" Ginny grinned, trailing off.  Then, she continued.  "Where we'd be able to do anything we want, which my parents would forbid, such as sex…"

"Uh, Gin," Harry said.  "We've already been in the house alone for hours, doing shit that your parents would forbid…such as sex…"

"Good point!" Ginny laughed.  "Oh, they sure as hell would forbid that!  Anyway, wanna go do some more?"

"Oh, hell yeah!" Harry cried.

~*~

Hermione tumbled through a black tunnel and landed somewhere.  It was pitch black all around her.

"Ow!" she cried, as she hit the stone floor.

"Oh, shut-up!" Someone called.

"Ron?"

"No, it's the Tooth Fairy."

"You're so stupid, you ass."

"So are you, Hermione."

"I'm not Hermione, I'm the author of this fic." Said Hermione sarcastically.  

"_Really?_  Oh, I'm soo sorry, Lily!  I didn't mean to be an ass!  I'll just go kill myself now!" Ron cried.

Hermione laughed silently.

"Nope, sorry, Ronnie.  I came down here to kill you myself.  I wanna cause you pain, you see."

"Yes, I see, oh, powerful one!"

"I'm bored of this," Hermione muttered.

"So sorry, your majesty, I'll entertain you!  Wanna see me dance naked?"  Ron asked eagerly.

"Ron, you're a sick ass.  It's me!"

"I know…Lily."

"No…" Hermione said, stretching out the word.  "It's Hermione, you dolt."

"Oh.  Well, why didn't you just say so?"

"Shut-up!" she cried.  "If you didn't have the brains to realize, you should have kept your mouth shut!  Now, where the hell are we?"

"I don't know where we are, but I can tell you where we aren't." Ron said, sulkily.  "In the story."

"Idiot," Hermione muttered.

"Shut your trap, smart-ass!"

"Bitch!  Don't you realize that since we're getting to do something, we're in the story?" Hermione asked.

"Don't you realize that since we're in this hellhole, we're _not_ in the story?" Ron shot back.  "The only reason we're here at all is cause Harry and Ginny are too boring to write about, and they're just comic relief."

"Screw you, ass.  If they're the comic relief, we're the story."

"No, we're the rejects.  By the way, screw _you!_"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"Would this be a good time to tell you that I love you?" Hermione asked.

"Nope."

"So, when would be a good time?"

"When I'm back in Harry's house and I can see you enough to ply you."

"Excuse me?"

"Ply you."

"_What??_"

"PLY!" Ron screamed.

"You don't have to scream, you plying asshole!" Hermione screamed in his face.  "Now, what the hell does 'ply' mean?"

"Wanna ply me and find out?"

"Not until you tell me."

"I'd rather show you," Ron said.

"No."

"Ok, then." Ron said, turning away.

"Fine, show me."

"No, you said you didn't want me to."

"SHOW ME!" Hermione yelled.

"Lalalalala!" Ron sung.  "I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves.  I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves and this is how it goes—"

"Bitch!" Hermione muttered.

"Bastard!" Ron shot back, stopping his singing.

"That makes no sense!"

"You make no sense." Ron said.

"No…you're just too stupid to realize what I'm saying."

"That's not a crime."

"It is when I'm here." Hermione said, with her nose high in the air.

"So leave."

"ARGH!!" Hermione screamed.  "WHY the hell do I love you so much?  WHY?  I want to stop!  I WANT to hate you, but I can't!"

"I'm irresistible, baby!" Ron grinned.

"No, you're more like desperate."

"You're the one who loves me!" Ron shot at her.

"Yeah, against my will!"

"Oh, go screw Vicky!" Ron said.

"Go screw Fleur!"

"Why don't _you_?"

"'Cause I'm too busy watching you screw Victor."

"Are you saying I'm gay?"

"Aren't you saying I am?"

"I'm an ass, I can say what I want!" Ron yelled angrily.

"Ooh, I'm soooo glad you admitted to one of your many faults!  Just admit to, and correct, a few million more, and you'll be halfway decent!"

"What makes you think I _want_ to be a perfect ass like you?" Ron snapped.  Hermione was surprised.

"Don't you?"

"No.  The _only_ thing I was is _you_."

"How sweet!" Hermione gasped.  "Really, Ron?"

"Yes, Hermione.  Do you want to be my girlfriend?"

"Yes, Ron.  I do!" Hermione said, with a huge grin.

"Wow, _really?_"

"Yeah, don't you believe me?"

"Well…no.  Like three minutes ago, you were screaming you ass of at me." Ron pointed out.

"That's 'cause you were being an ass!"

"See, you're doing it again!"

"Oh, shut-up!"

"Fine.  Let's be nice to each other, or something…" Ron said.

"Yeah, ok."

"So…what now?" Ron asked.

"Wanna ply me?" Hermione suggested.

"Sure!"

**~~~FIVE MINUTES LATER~~~**

"Oh, my God, Ron!" Hermione cried suddenly.

"What?"

"Er, while we were screaming and plying and all, I kinda forgot to tell you it was really Harry I loved, not you."

"Oh." Ron said.

"But don't worry, now I love you more!  I bet Harry isn't this…good."

"You get that right."

"How the hell would you know that?"

"I can read Ginny's mind."  Ron said laughing.  "Anyway, shall we go back to plying?"

"Oh, yes!" Hermione groaned in delight.  "Oh, yes!"

~*~  
  
  
  


**~~~FIVE MONTHS LATER~~~**

Ginny walked into Harry's room from the bathroom.  Book five still hadn't started.  Well, couldn't be long now, about a week in the Muggle World.  Ron and Hermione still hadn't returned.  But, Ginny didn't care about any of that at the moment.  She had something to tell Harry.  Sighing, she walked over to where he was sitting on his bed.

"Harry!" she called.

"Hey, Ginny.  What's up?"

"I-I have something to tell you." Ginny stuttered.

"What is it?  Is it bad?"

"Well, that depends on how you look at it." Ginny said.

"Gin, just tell me."

"Ok, err, Harry.  I'm pregnant."

"Oh," said Harry.

"So…." Ginny muttered.

"What do we do now?" Harry asked.

"Dunno.  You still love me, right?"

"Of course!" Harry cried,  "I will love you forever!"

"So…" Ginny said again.

"Wanna go have more ply?" Harry suggested.

"You bet!"

THE END

A/N 2:  I said it was sick.  Lol.  I  dunno why I wrote it, but be nice and review anyway, would u?  lol!  BTW, if anyone is wondering, I am NOT really like I wrote myself into that story.  I do NOT act like that!  Lol.  Just if anyone was interested…  heh.  

~inigma


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